This reflection comes fresh off one of the most profound experiences I have ever received - the impact was too real not to be shared. From 23rd to 25th of September in the Brecon Beacons, Wales. I participated in the 'Sons of the Sun - an Awakening The Wild, Golden Soul Journey for Men', organised and facilitated by Keef Wesolowski Miles and Ross Walton of Bridging Worlds.
'Hold the man' has a physical and spiritual (accountability) meaning.
A bit of divine choreography?
Following a 'call' at the end of 2020 and subsequent Movement Medicine practice, co-founded by Ya'Acov and Susannah Darling Khan. After seeing a Facebook post of theirs that mentioned they had completed some intensive training with their earlier generation of Movement Medicine apprentices. I felt the spontaneous urge to comment on my excitement - which I haven't done before on their posts. Shortly after Keef reacted to it and added me as a friend. Often when you accept a new request on Facebook you see a recent post they made in your newsfeed. I saw Keef's upcoming Sons of the Sun programme and was instantly intrigued. A thirst to experience Movement Medicine in-person and having an ever-growing curiosity of shamanic practices, certainly got my attention. However I was quite hesitant with my upcoming wedding - I messaged Keef, dialogue began we had a quick online chat and I eventually surrendered to the 'call'. I was excited but nervous about what was to come; going deeper within me and others and the environment around me. I was definitely out of my comfort zone but was willing to experience what was to come - some of which appeared otherworldly, but I wasn't weirded out, but accustomed to them. Well I do have an open mind and heart to this sort of thing, after having years of interest and mediumship experiences.
I arrived in Wales and met some fellow men, eighteen in total. Our egos were in check before we entered and there was no expression of status or professional identities. There was no expectation to like each other but respect one and another. Balanced with a healthy dose of humility. I felt instantly accepted and respected. My typical shyness was present but I made conversation and threw myself into the relaxed schedule of the first day. We got acquainted with other men and prepared the woodland space we'd soon be immersed in. We had a small sharing circle - holding the elder stick when it was our turn to speak and be listened to. Later that day and when other men joined us, we had a martial arts inspired embodiment session then had our first complete sharing circle followed by my first in-person Movement Medicine experience. This felt truly incredible - Keef guided us through such a beautiful heart-centered session where I went onto share that I felt I got to know the men more than I did than speaking to them. That dancefloor acted as a physical network that enabled us to intimately connect to others through dance. I could 'see' the men for who they are much more than words could explain. I had some deep connections on the dancefloor, looking into other men's eyes and sliding between them like water. The first of incorporating the elements; earth, fire, water and air.
Journeying
On the second day we started at 6am in the woods we prepared the day before, to hold a ceremony around the Cabana Sweat Lodge. Before we entered the sweat lodge, as men we shared as a circle, I and others made a wish at Keef's daughter's wishing alter (mossy tree stump), danced and chanted around the campfire, each found piece of nature to resonate with and place at central alter. Then we stripped our clothes and bared all. Literally our bodies and soul with dignity. In darkness with soaring temperatures, through four rounds of enquiry of body, heart, mind and soul. We dived deep into ourselves, expressed, listened and witnessed each others grievances, gratitudes, blessings and dreams. It was extremely tough to focus on my own releasing as well as listening to the other men's. I think I would have had a major release, but that came out two weeks prior after a mini-meltdown after a wedding logistic phone call with a family member - but I think it somewhat prepared me for this. This was one of the most challenging and beautifully traumatic experiences I have ever had. When I had my eyes closed I saw various strange visuals and an appearance from my cat Agatha who died a year ago on that day - I was hoping she'd come and she did. The sweat lodge pushed me both physically and spiritually to my edge, which I don't think I have ever reached. On round three I couldn't take the heat and was losing my concentration but found a way to cope and see the process through. In fact I was stretched that much that at one point I felt I was over the 'spiritual stuff' and couldn't take any more - the hungry ghost was fed and full. But eventually I was to feel left wanting more. All men emerged somewhat tender but stronger for expressing our life's tensions and joys. We all felt emotionally and spiritually drained of what we had experienced. We were cracked open wide to prepare us for what was yet to be experienced. As well as being covered in earth! I was that dirty I just decided to put some clothes over top and walk back barefoot to site. Before we left we each had a ceremonial blessing with a herbal brew we collectively made earlier. Then invited to have five minutes connecting with a brother by looking into each others eyes, followed by a small sharing circle.
Later that day we had a small period of downtime and shared lunch. Followed by an invite of an hour in our surrounding environment to reflect on the Movement Medicine vicious circle we were introduced to. I found a beautiful canal area a short walk away from our location which I found really grounding to digest and process this morning and the next invitation. We then danced through each archetype: victim; rescuer; prosecutor; hungry ghost and charlatan. I had a deep connected moment with a another man when we mimicked the elemental fire.
Loud
On the 3rd day we started at 6am again. We walked in the dark to a hill peak to do a ceremony and watch the sunrise. We had a sharing circle and then were invited to share a vision and commitment to our spiritual growth and to be witnessed by other men. In turn we each held the elder stick, faced a neighbouring hill peak with our backs to our bothers, and expressed what was within us.
Having been inspired by another man's loud and clear commitment. I wanted to take the opportunity to shout something, but I wasn't sure what. Then it came to me. I took the elder stick and my position on the rock edge. I spoke and on the final part I said "...and sometimes TO BE LOUD!!!". As soon as I did this I felt a state of change and a sense of relief and release of something that had been hidden for some time. The men were proud that I expressed myself in this way, and possibly a surprise in my character. By nature I am a reflective and quiet person that tends to listen and observe, injecting into conversations when I find an opening. Although I typically allow stronger personalities to have their airtime. I also consider myself to be a chameleon and reveal and conceal my presence as I choose. However, as one of the men pointed out, my presence was acknowledged by everyone but I became more present on the final day. So I'll promise to be more loud about my presence. That doesn't mean I am going to be bolshy and dickish; but loud and grounded within reason. I'll still be diplomatic, but making my views and opinions more known in the moment rather than being quiet about them. Even if my thoughts on the matters are incomplete at that point - as I said I am more reflective.
As I didn't arrive into the programme with a single pain point to be addressed. When reflecting on my sharing in the circles, I felt I had an inconsistent narrative. My main sharing themes were around family judgement, creating space for me to engage in this type of work and unknowingly finding/re-finding my voice. But I do think those releases led to being loud/more vocal becoming the most prominent. Throughout all the revelations I had, I think this was the one that needed to be expressed the most. I finally let my voice be heard - or at least for a long time. I instantly felt more present, vocal and increased conviction - I really did receive a 'download'. I can now confidently hold my space better than I did before. I will continue, and be held accountable to be loud (where appropriate) and be heard - I'm a fierce Leo, hear me roar! Ironically I felt I arrived on the day I was leaving.
Later that day we received cacao, a sacred plant, that opened up our hearts and spirits. Then danced around the Movement Medicine wheel: dancing fool; wise elder; dancing warrior; wounded healer and inner shaman. Shortly after, another standout moment was when we had a wild primal dance, on the grass - which I enjoyed so much and getting wild with the men. We formed a circle and literally threw around our wild souls and animalistic identities. Shouting, chanting, crawling and taking all sorts of animal forms. I really wanted to go full on animal but somehow resisted. I dream of being absolutely animal with other men to Xavier Rudd's 'Lioness Eye'. I actually considered requesting it to Keef to play. In pure spiritual synchronicity, as we ended our dance with a group hug, a local kite (bird of prey) literally circled around us, signalling a blessing of our work and connection. We were all in awe of it and hugged and chanted as it passed us all by. In the evening Rapé was being offered ceremonially.
Hold the man
On the final day afternoon we had an initiation ceremony. We started out by wearing blindfolds, lined up behind each other, and our hands on the man's shoulder in front. Then we began to move into what felt like a figure eight motion. We then sat and awaited to be called to run towards our futures. I listened to other men be named and invited to run to the guitar playing in the background, played by Ross, whilst being called by other men who arrived before. I was last to be named. It fell silent for a few extended seconds. I was then called and Keef asked me to stand up and run to my future commitment as a husband. I ran steadily (trying not to fall for fear of being symbolic to my path ahead), the guitar started to play in the distance, as I got closer all the men were shouting me to join them. I reached them and they all held me tightly and hummed, chanted and said well-wishing prayers for me and Gary (fiancé). They initiated me into my upcoming marriage, 4th October 2022. I had the most profound experience I have ever had. I've never felt anything like it before - pure joyful and heartening overwhelm. I literally could feel the men's love rising up through me. It gets me teary now thinking about it. I was unashamedly emotional and teary from such raw love. I'm not cold-hearted but it takes a lot for me to cry in the moment these days. I was left with this love deeply imprinted on my soul that I will remember forever. Maybe one day I will find more words to articulate this better. I'm glad those moments were caught on picture and video as I'm scared of forgetting them. To close the formality of the weekend, we all shared our deep gratitude for each other by having an appreciation circle. Pulling three names our of a hat, and when those men were in the center to stand up with them and give heart-centered appreciation of their being.
This rollercoaster of a journey was an educational and life-affirming experience that pushed me to the edge of my inner-self. I was individually held safely by men, simultaneously holding me accountable for my sharings and commitments. They held me in every sense. The days were long and the work was deep and intense. But the results were deeply potent and the healing power is noticeably strong within me, literally shining both inwardly and outwardly. I feel recalibrated, reset, reprogrammed and renewed. A sense of an ascended personal spirit - a goal to be the best version of me, as I know I'm not always.
We co-created our sacred space, connection and community. I now want to maintain the momentum and keep connected to it. I was also reminded of the masculinity that I didn't know I needed in my spirit and life. And the need for primal expression and release - to be a wild fierce male. And I now have this challenge and opportunity of integrating masculinity for my own well-being.
I was expecting to return in a buzzy sort of feeling, but that was not the case. I was extremely tender and emotional and somewhat a changed man in heart, soul, body and mind - a positively fragile state. Weirdly my home didn't feel like home when I got there, perhaps our community instilled a sense of home in me. It took me a short while to settle back into the reality and the mundane. But me and Gary did have a deep and emotional conversation about my experience - I was very teary and quite spaced out. I woke up the next day quite confused about my typical wake up routine, which I had deeply ingrained in me. I now feel and have a different mindset to them which I can't articulate. But somewhat a slowness that feels quite peaceful compared to the previous self-pressured rush. I don't want to fall back into my old ways but to make this change permanent. I really absorbed the heart-centred language and peacefulness. I'm now challenged in finding a balance of waling in both industrial and spiritual worlds.
The whole programme has opened my spirit and soul open wide, to enable me to create the space to do this in my day-to-day life - which is what I had been wanting to do. As Ya'Acov Darling Khan says; take small steps and the occasional quantum leap - which is precisely what I did here and am so so glad I got out there and did it. Literally life and soul-changing. It's also enriched and embedded my prior Movement Medicine practice and developed awareness of other shamanic practices. I also feel this community was the 'peer support' vision I had in the 21 Gratitudes January 2022 lesson theme 'Living Life On Purpose', in the 'Live New Year refuge Class Special'.
Brotherhood
"Hey brothers, I got home ok. I just wanted to say a brief heartfelt gratitude for the time we have shared over the weekend. I'm deeply and profoundly touched by your presence and acceptance. 🙏 Enjoy rest of your stay"
