Sadly on 23 September 2021 we lost suddenly lost our little girl, Agatha. Our first cat in our little family.
By way of processing my grief, celebrating and honouring her short life and to 'memorialise' her existence, I've took to writing about who she was, some memories of the joy she brought me and life messages she left me with. A little memoir.
It was Agatha all along...
We had talked about having a cat for some time - a new venture as we've both not kept one before. To my reluctance, I wanted to wait until the Summer until I had cleared some work projects off. But allowed Gary to search for a suitable kitty to adopt, which proved a challenge when competing with others to take one in! Like buying houses we enquired about various cats which had already been rehomed. We left our details with various places to let us know when new cats arrive. We needn't not wait that long... Cats Protection Mansfield let us know that they had a 6 month old kitty Poppy, due to their last owner becoming more disabled to care for her properly. We were sent pictures and videos of this sweet grey little fluffy girl. And I regrettably said at that time "oh, she's a long haired variety - hair will be everywhere!" But the more I saw pictures and videos the more I warmed to her. Whilst 'formal viewing' was restricted due to the pandemic, we said yes and she arrived at our home on 9 March 2021. More curious than nervous she explored the house letting out little meows. She was very independent and knew what she wanted and knew how to go about getting things or getting there. Naturally an outdoors explorer too. I think she knew she had found her forever home with her new daddies and much bonding ensued! I've not had pets for well over a decade but to my surprise I got straight back to my animalistic nurturing, with alter-ego animal voices and being very gooey with her. I just love being cutesy with animals and when they show it in return. Though my previous pets i.e. hamsters, guinea pigs etc never did, I still was cutesy. She brought out this side in me that I didn't think was there anymore. I really did treat her as if she was a human child walking around - which I once used to frown upon as I do think you need to try and keep animals wild. But when you have domestic pets it's much harder! She was like the kid I never had and brought out an interesting parental side to me.
We had talked about renaming her something different. Gary and I just watched Marvel's WandaVision at the time, I suggested the idea to rename her Agatha. Given her grey and purplish colour, green eyes and her regal disposition, it was very fitting! Thank you so much Gary for finding her and bringing me this small warm and furry bundle of newfound happiness. When we got her it reinvigorated our lives and senses, to deeply care for her. We simply fell in love with her. The house that once belonged to the two of us had changed dynamic and we felt like a little family.
I think my animalistic nature helped me form a quick bond with her too, especially as I am working from home mostly now. I immediately played the protective daddy role, especially when she was outside and saved her from a few local cat confrontations and fights. She had such a great character and an odd dash of humanistic presence, especially when we used to play hide and seek in the house and when she used to greet me when walking into a room. We may not have understood each other verbally but we did via each other's body language.
I was tested on our bond when Gary and I planned our Summer Scotland trip back in June - we were away for 6 days and it was the first time we had been away from her for more than one day. Although Gary's mum and step dad cared for her well, I was super anxious the whole time and really missed her. Especially on how we left her as she doesn't like being in the car. But we were glad she got all the love and care she needed from her family, helped out with the Aga care guide I had written prior, a 'day in the life of Aga', describing her daily pattern, character and feeding habits etc. A treasured memory this has now become.
She enjoyed lots of exploring and loving memories over the Summer, including late night stop outs which at times we got worried about - thinking that she wasn't going to come back. But she always did, even if it was pitch black. Which led up to celebrating her first birthday on 25th August.
Tragedy
Gary and I had a wonderful short break in Harrogate, highlights including exploring Brimham rocks, walking around the RHS Garden Harlow Carr and an evening at a Turkish bath. Within a couple of hours of us returning and being greeted by our darling, we were struck with heart-breaking tragedy when our baby girl was killed by a car outside our house.
Our friend Martin had been coming to see and feed her while we were away that one night. She greeted us cautiously as to say why did you leave me? We fed her, she went out for a stroll in garden, watched Gary do some titivating with his newly bought plants and pots - which she loved watching. Then me and Aga had a rare-ish long snug where she let me cradle her for a few good minutes rather than seconds, leaning back into me. I'm just glad she got to do some of her favourite things before what happened. I went upstairs in back bedroom on computer and saw her sniffing around our planter/seating area - which turned out to be last time I saw her alive. I heard Gary take an upsetting call in the kitchen, immediately going to that dark place where you think it is a family member that has been hurt or in an accident. The gut wrenching words came out of his mouth and said it's Vets4Pet's around corner, they've got Aga and she's passed away (tearing as I type this). I felt winded and was shouting no, no, no. I flew downstairs and went into the garden and was shouting for her, waiting for her to come back. Like I did most evening when calling her in for food. But I guess I knew the reality and I just didn't want to accept it. I couldn't make the connection to why Vets4Pets had her as literally a couple of minutes went buy since I saw her exploring outside. I didn't hear no screech or bump, all the windows were open in the house, as it was oddly hot for late September. A lady had hit her and had the courage to pick her up and take her to the vets - she was microchipped and that's how we were contacted. Aga usually seemed sensible on paths and roads, I think she was just unlucky or something had startled her. I was also trying to understand how she was killed on the road and which one. I was thinking it was the big main one leading to our street, which I didn't think she went that far. Later turned out it was literally outside our house and could see the blood markings, which Gary later cleaned. We walked to Vets4Pets to go and collect her, I probably shouldn't have seen her in the condition she was in, but I guess I wanted to see it was her and have closure. That image still haunts me today. I hugged her and told her I will always love her and I'll miss her forever. I think I'll always be traumatised by the event and emotions of that day. I still crumble at the thought of it. I wrote the following on social media:
"Yesterday we suddenly lost a huge part of our little family, our baby kittie girl. Today we buried her in one of her favourite places, her garden. We only had her for a short while but she enriched our life as much as we did hers. We loved her so much because we love each other and wanted to nurture her and see her grow. That wasn't meant to be but she will teach us to keep putting that love out there in different ways. We love you and already miss you so much Agatha, our little squeaklet. 🐱"
When we buried her I placed our two flowered agapanthus on top of her cardboard box - seemed apt with the name. This is a period in my life I don't want to revisit. I just feel so sad and empty. The first night was terrible - just laying in bed with nothing else to do but think about what's happened and how scared she might have been, (which she wasn't as she passed instantly) Weirdly, past midnight I saw two cats in the window across road looking at where the accident happened - was quite a morbid image to see but warming if the cats were genuinely watching that area because of what happened. She was a big part our life, left us with beautiful memories and brought us closer together. She really was our little girl. We did so much together. Whilst I'll love another cat it'll not be like the love I had for her. Different love like most things. She'll forever be in our hearts and irreplaceable. She had all the features of a perfect kitty for us. She was a symbolism of love - maybe this is why Egyptians idolised them? She was one of a kind, I miss her so much, I'm sure she knew she was more than just a pet to me. At times I felt like I needed her more than she needed me. Talking silly to her and whispering in her ear and doing cutesy things - diverting the silliness from Gary to Aga. I realise she's a pet but I talked to her like a child and she responded well to it. I would still grieve if I treated her just as a pet, as I did with my other pets when I was younger. It sounds cliché, but you don't know what's around the corner and can happen at any time - we really don't chose our time. It's somewhat instilled a bit of fear in me actually. But increased curiosity in how our souls occupy bodies and how they become lifeless after we have leave them. To me, whether a cat or human, grief shows your love, and we will feel the loss of it. Some folks don't see connection to pets and animals; humans and them. When in fact we're sentient animals too that share this world together. I guess it depends on your relationship with animals though and if you classify humans to be separate to rest of the natural world; humans are at the top of the hierarchy.
Shortly after she died Aga came into my dream. From what I remember it started off with the usual strange stuff then transitioned into a story where we had to put her to sleep. We were in a dark house. We let her play and and do stuff then had a really nice cuddle, which I could feel and felt warm. But we decided to give her this 'medicine' as she went to go to sleep. It didn't feel like a goodbye type of scene though. I like to think of that as a way of receiving a nicer ending with her.
Around the grief, I panicked a little that I had been conceiving and putting myself in these death-type scenarios to feel what it'd be like. As per 'law of attraction' I thought I might have believed it so much that I conceived it. But I did this with people not just with her. It sounds bad and I certainly didn't want it. However, I was reassured by Gary's mum that it might be my way of trying control those hypothetical situations which we know we can't.
Grief is a new feeling for me and is like a dark strange void feeling. Despair and sorrow comes in waves. Its also a bit like a 'just had a break up' kind of feeling. Not wanting to think too much about it as I missed and wanted her more and needed to train my mind to get over it. Wherever you look in the house or garden there's a memory of where she's been. It took a while for me to adjust, later to be told by Gary's cousin that I may be experiencing possible disenfranchised grief - but not as prolonged. EDIT: this article published on 7 December 2022 reinforces this; 'The Death Of A Pet Should Be Taken More Seriously By Counselors - Disregarding the severity of pet bereavement can represent a barrier in the healing process.'. Those that have pets with characters, I feel their pain. It may sound harsh to say, but I've experienced family deaths before and recently but have not been extremely and emotionally affected like this. Perhaps because she was essentially a family member, not a pet. Loved by our friends and wider family. Aga had a young and short life, but had a long lasting impact on us. I pictured her with us until she got old. She had so much more in life to give and memories to delight us with.
Throughout our pain, Gary lovingly reminded me by saying that whilst proposed to me (Scotland, June 2021) for me, with the aim of making a small family. His love for me still remains and wants to marry me for me. We've still got each other, love each other and we loved her deeply because of our loving relationship and shared that with her.
Looking back, it feels like it wasn't real, just a dream. So I need to keep her memories alive as much as I can - once I am ready to revisit them. I hope she gives me some signs that she is still around. I'll always talk to her, just as I did to her all the time. Our garden is now her garden and she'll always be in it. As she always was, in the plants and bushes where she used to play hide and seek. This is where we laid her to rest.
A week later I noticed I felt more settled and on the way back to my usual self. I wouldn't say I've got over it quick, but accepted it with little anger. I did quickly get out of the routine I had with her though. We'll keep her memory alive wherever we can by celebrating the joy she brought us - we were privileged! Gary produced a hardback memory book with selected pictures of Aga and a little description on some of the pages - it really is like a story book of Aga, which you can easily pick up and be reminded of her.
Her death also brought new and so much more meaning to some of my most favourited songs too, such as P!nk's song Who Knew.We love you Agatha, and will always remember you. Until I see you again my friend. Here's a drawing that Gary's brother Darren drew for us both:
Lessons and meaning
- Mine and Gary's relationship - the loving environment we created for her, we must carry on nurturing and respecting each other like we did with her. If anything she has imprinted on us to care for each other strongly. Just as we did her.
- I was heartened by how close me and Gary pulled together during the trauma. It proved the love and strength we have between us
- I unashamedly expressed my tears and upset openly – I had not cried like this for years and the flood gates were truly open
- Shook something spiritually within me and changed my relationship with life positively and brought attention to other realities and the people around me
- It pressed a pause button on my life and allowed me to drop the things that's simply don't matter in the grand scheme of life. I feel positively adjusted amidst the draining grief
A year since you left us Aga. 🐱 Always in our hearts. You were a great friend to us. 🥰 Glad to see you come through.
