Something has changed. A change within me in these last couple of months. I'm not sure how or why it has happened, but it has. So I won't question it. I feel I have let go a part of me that is no longer needed. Either that or I have learned what I have supposed to have and now that challenge is over. Because as I once read, if similar situations keep reoccurring, then you are not learning from it. So then it will keep happening until you do. It feels like a sense of realisation that I no longer have to immerse myself into interactions to feel a sense of achievement, purpose or need, may this be personal or professional situations.
For a long time and without realising I feel I have been keeping scores. Scores that don't need to be recorded and held onto. These scores could be disguised in the form of some sort of grudges, grudges that I never thought I kept, but maybe I did without knowing. Again these could be in personal or professional situations. But the question is why did I keep scores? I don't like revenge, unless it's done positively for success. I feel it's because I liked the idea of holding onto these past experiences as a way to look back on and see how far I have come or to use as some sort of criteria to base a new score on. Because at times when I do feel low, especially when things don't go my intended way, I will immediately refer back to those negative scores. Again why? It doesn't make me feel better, but more sadder. As I once said; negativity is like a set of falling dominoes. How do you stop them falling? You break the link. You take out the ones that create the cause. So for once and about time, I seem to be letting go of the past. But at times it may surface, and if it does, I shall smile because they were never bad, but the lessons learned for a lifetime.
For a long time and without realising I feel I have been keeping scores. Scores that don't need to be recorded and held onto. These scores could be disguised in the form of some sort of grudges, grudges that I never thought I kept, but maybe I did without knowing. Again these could be in personal or professional situations. But the question is why did I keep scores? I don't like revenge, unless it's done positively for success. I feel it's because I liked the idea of holding onto these past experiences as a way to look back on and see how far I have come or to use as some sort of criteria to base a new score on. Because at times when I do feel low, especially when things don't go my intended way, I will immediately refer back to those negative scores. Again why? It doesn't make me feel better, but more sadder. As I once said; negativity is like a set of falling dominoes. How do you stop them falling? You break the link. You take out the ones that create the cause. So for once and about time, I seem to be letting go of the past. But at times it may surface, and if it does, I shall smile because they were never bad, but the lessons learned for a lifetime.
I've learned hard recently through work, social interactions and romance that I can't keep throwing my soul into immediate developments. Not only do I risk losing my character but my spirit. The spirit that people seem to love me for. And without that, what do I stand for? More recently I have learned that work is not everything about me. I used to think it was as that was the only thing I thought I could do right. But now that life goal I made is quickly coming to an end. So I need to start thinking what is the next big goal I'd like to make. Careers are important, but life with family and friends are far more important. Without them what's the point of living and being yourself with no one to share that with. The relationships I have with my family and friends are connected, but they're not solid. So I feel that this is my next ambition; to enjoy and build solid relationships with family and friends, as there the ones that keep us going and are ALWAYS there. A particular person has inspired me the way he socialises with his family. His family are his friends. How cool is that?! That's something I'd love to have, but every family is different and everyone wants a little something someone else has. It's examples like this that give you fire to try and make aspects of your life better.
I obviously didn't do a great job of this last year, but there's no time like the present, so I'm urging you now to forget everything that is not relevant to you and live in the moment, live in the now, it's all about now! You have to be 100% present in the now. There's no point in thinking about anything else until it arrives. However, some things to need to be thought about in advance! But you'll know what those are! I mean I'm a perfectionist, but I used to be obsessed to the point of like I said earlier about immersing myself into every damn situation. For example, like my extreme desire to clean and tidy after every bit of food eaten or dust particle that I have brushed off my bed onto the floor! Or correcting pieces of work to the point of it all been the same font size, type and spacing etc. I was that precise (which is an excellent quality to have)! More like OCD which I humoured many of times! But ya know ya have to get dirty sometimes, throw yourself out of the routine, let things get out of hand, fall out of line and love the process of getting back into line. I am still a perfectionist, but I am practicing to do it in moderation. Everything in life is good in moderation!
So where was I, oh yeh, all about now! Try not to stand still for too long, keep moving forward. Although I do recommend deep relaxation, not just in front of TV but solitude. The kind of solitude where you answer your own questions and worries and/or through the help of the other side - when tuned in and listening. You have to feel good to receive good. This is a hard task and one that I am practicing, but I love a challenge and why not take this challenge. Good thoughts are king. And I choose to be king of good thoughts or so I want to be!
While I am in the now. Tonight I have shared a reason for happiness, I have started a relationship with a new guy called Gary. He's beautiful both on the inside and the outside, creative and artistic and has a matching sense of humour as me. How lucky am I! Everything I have needed or wanted in someone he has got and I don't have to immerse myself into this relationship to feel a purpose. Because I can feel it. We have no labels as we know we are together. There are no rules or procedures on how things should be - just us and how we are. It's too easy to base future events on past ones, so just don't! It feels right and this time I seem to have taken my time and not given my all up front, but allowed it to trickle out rather than a flood gate opening and drowning everything in it's path! You can't keep doing the same thing, let things be and how they should be. I can learn a lot from Gary. It's like I provide the emotional side and he provides the logical side. We both provide the parts that we both have less of and become whole when put together.
I'm looking at my future, and it looks so damn pretty! I'm no longer standing alone but together to share our mutual dreams and journey. And as a result we shall both grow as people from inside and out. The caterpillar I once introduced a long time ago, maybe this is the cocoon stage and the butterfly has not yet begun to develop.
I'm still practising in being in and living in the now, but it all starts with a clear intention to do it. Plus, visualising every happy thought of what I want. I'm starting as I mean to go along. Live. Life. Now.
