I realise how powerful having a voice is when using it, verbal and non-verbal, and it being heard. However, from a young age I have seemed to struggle with using my voice verbally to express my views, opinions and even myself, but I often leaned into more the quiet and reserved. I might want to speak but often it is often about how to articulate it, which links to my reflective, introvert and 'slow learner' qualities - though it doesn't help not having an extensive vocabulary either. But there are also other reasons that affect this, such as whom I am with and how comfortable I am around them, trust, the number of people, location, the topic being discussed, lack of thinking on your feet skill and when and where I am actually able and sometimes enabled to contribute. However, this contrasts with my nature when I speak openly and honestly like my blog writing. So I do use my voice, but I guess it's more in synchronous verbal moments I need to work on.
On 6 January 2024 I had my chakras aligned and cleansed by my friend Lorna Taylor. Whilst I have been aware and interested in this holistic therapy for years, this was my first experience, as part of another therapy I had at the same time. One of the chakra points is the throat. Despite feeling a growing confidence in being vocal in the last few months. The morning after I felt a difference in my voice and the days ahead, especially in being more open and vocal. Like a new surge of energy. I felt a strong presence of power, ownership and responsibility of my voice. Which I have never had before. A shift in being more vocal, verbalising my thoughts and views, even if saying I am uncomfortable with something and steering away from people pleasing-type comments, and to some extent actions; the power of saying no to opportunities and challenges (battles). There is a significant change here. So at this point I knew my throat chakra had been cleansed and it worked. A strange but fulfilling feeling. However, this also follows the commitment and responsibility I made of my voice from my shamanic experience in 'Hold the man'. Though a lot of this could be argued that I am now becoming more mature and adult and knowing how to use my voice better, as well as developing my leadership language in my full-time work. I guess it comes with age as they say. Perhaps it's a mixture of maturity and level of confidence I have grown into. And maybe the hidden trauma of being talked over, undermined and people speaking for me without permission. But I do feel more vocal, and more willing to be vocal on my opinions, views and issues where I haven't done so before. I've even started to make my body language even more deliberate and visible, which I feel was open and accessible anyway, but now more noticeable.
But the challenge now is to manage and control it, not letting the emotion take over the way I deliver my voice and that might be interpreted as rude. Not defaulting to 'I'm old enough to say what I want and how I want', a bit like our elders ha. However I am conscious of not wanting to appear arrogant. I want to remain true and authentic to me and that adheres to my values. But that depends on the topic and audience that I am with! I could draw some loose inspiration from John Farnham's song 'You're The Voice'; "You're the voice, try and understand it. Make a noise and make it clear."
I have become aware recently I need to channel my organic vulnerability, as some blog posts may convey a slightly different picture of me, which I wouldn't want to confuse people of my character. When really I am being brave in parking my modesty and championing myself. Which is very rare for me to do and is often uncomfortable to express to people, but I will find it more comfortable to write it than say it verbally. Professionally, this may be interpreted that I'm seeking importance, when I'm not, more so ensuring value. I suffer deeply from imposter syndrome (truly, not as a modesty guard - I made a edit at the bottom on this) and by my biography; "All of this provides reasons of why I work and present myself in this way via my blog site, that derive from my poor educational and geographical beginnings/upbringings. With a dash of workplace adversity. However, I need to be very mindful of my tone, honesty (freedom of speech) and being weary of not becoming a victim archetype. As an advocate of lifelong learning, this is yet another critical moment of learning. I repeat, my blog is my own space about me, for me and to reflect, record and develop my personal development, thinking, articulation and promote my memory ('Slow learner?', 'Why openness is good', 'How to create an authentic blog', 'Pragmatism, criticality and d**ks', '10 years of blogging'). What I write I would say in-person and most likely in the same way. I'm very open and honest, and as I've said some where before I'd rather be held up for my honesty than lying. Yes some of my writing is framed, but the majority is not - just my open reflective style - my audience is me to for me to process my thoughts. So it will of course sound self-indulging, which of course it is but for my own use and articulation as identified in my purpose to the left.
I am thankful of these situations that enable me to reflect and develop. Though it does bring back the feelings I had in 'Pragmatism, criticality and d**ks'. Revisiting my first blog post where I said "Because my full-time role is a learning technologist, you would think it's given that I have a blog and many other technologies to use and promote for myself. But I am different, I don't and won't write in a egotistic way and be consumed by commercialism like other educators. My posts are all positive, not negative. I am simply expressing and sharing my thoughts and journey with you (and hoping I am not alone in this lovely challenging career), and my reflective self. I aim to express. Not to impress." Reflecting on this and bearing in mind I have grown and developed exponentially since then, and I changed the focus to write for me not others. It reminds me of my original intention of my writing, to express not impress. And I can see a fair bit of my writing has become very matter of fact, which is a bit of personality, however I guess this is a side effect of working in higher education and obtaining accreditations. Always looking for evidence of impact and perhaps I have let that professional aspect consume my focus slightly as of late. So this is a hard reminder to take myself back to my glory days of my earlier writing.
EDIT. Relating to my imposter syndrome. While on the outside it looks like I'm doing lots of great things, and I talk strongly about them via my blogging. On the inside there is presence of intrinsic struggles of self-belief. And in general it is not often I talk good things about myself, I'm very modest. I'm typically overlooked, educationally written-off and underestimated. I resonate with the early days of the character Penelope Featherington in Bridgeton. A moment of realisation came when in my appraisal on 15 July 2024 with my Head (line manager) when discussing an incoming IT system. I talked about my views of the implementation rollout, communication and change management. And somewhere in her response she said I am "very experienced" in this. I was taken aback as I have never used this word to describe myself (possibly in application forms?!). And boom, I realised that yes, well I am actually. I do know my stuff and ways, despite any criticism from others. It's just unfortunate that I had to hear it from someone else rather than listening to myself. In September 2024, an external colleague also stated that a head position would be next role. So my strategic work and ways must be recognisable outside the university.
