Tuesday, 18 August 2015

Speak your heart

I hope I'm not alone in my feelings of the uncertainty that is dating.  I've been here many times and still not learned a great deal of how to handle these sensitive periods.  I've recently been seeing a guy for the last two months which turned into a relationship and then ended yesterday.  Totally gutted, but kind of expected it.  It ended with differences on both sides.  But maybe another reason why it happened, because I was worrying and panicking too much about if they like and want me that I ended up losing my mind.  I seem to went in a cycle of being happy, have a serious talk, being happy, then having a serious talk.  Which was probably too often during these early stages.  Why can't I let just let things be and go with the flow.  But what is the flow?!  I have never really got this and I feel such a fool for it.  Everyone else seems to find the process easy and settle really well.  Then I just self-destruct and ruin the entire magic that was happening.  Surely I cannot to be the blame for it all, but I sure do.  There was other factors involved that we knew about and more when we talked last night.  But I did open up quite deeply about some inner troubles I had boxed away but I didn't know how to talk about them.  I also tend to give a lot too early in this period, maybe too much.  I buy surprise gifts and possibly make myself too available.  But isn't that what it's about?  Two people liking each other and bouncing off each other.  I find it hard to hold back.  My heart and head refuse to hold back.  But maybe I should, because sometimes the more I give the more I feel disappointed.  But the truth is that you have to give to receive.  I'm just being me.  But I suppose there's no need for this monster that emerges and sabotages everything in it's path. 

Why do I feel like I can't call or text him?  Even though he said I could anytime.  I asked him to communicate with and to me more.  He promised me he would. But why do I feel disappointed?  Do I assume and expect too much?  But surely if two people like each other a lot, surely we should be inseparable?  I feel I make a lot of effort with suggesting ideas and going places and driving through to him.  Maybe I'm needy and high maintenance, but I know that I want to communicate endlessly and feel wanted, needed and desired.  These are some frustrations that ran through my head.  It doesn't sound normal does it.  Or is it?

What I have learned recently which I kind of knew but didn't and still don't know how to properly manage is control.  We all like to control. But how much should we let go? There's no greater power than reducing what you control.  But it's hard.  I once said; don't be too hard on yourself. Life can't always be a certain way. Living life is better and easier when you're not trying to control it.  The biggest fear is that you're not allowing people to be themselves if there's too much control and less freedom.  One main thing I have learned recently from this short love is to talk and have an open heart.  Out of one of the serious conversations we had I shared these.  Communication is everything. Speaking your thoughts no matter how small, big, serious or crazy. Just make them known, it makes a difference.  I've had way more than 9 lives. I'm such a lucky man! But this time it's different, I feel born again and it feels good. Speak your heart.  This was a major revelation for me.  I feel I can openly talk more to others about my worries and troubles.  I've always felt I had to deal with them on my own and not bother or burden others with them.  But now I know I can.  I need to rely more on friends and family.  If I had talked more openly about my frustrations and worries, I would have approached this a lot differently.  And maybe the times before.  I need to relax, I know.  It's pure overthinking which is very dangerous for your mind, health and social life.  I really should take my own advice, which is part of a problem I have!  Negativity is like a set of falling dominoes. How do you stop them falling? You break the link. You take out the ones that create the cause.  Life should not be lived in the usual straight line. Be flexible as life is as flexible as you want it to be.  As always I can help others but never really help myself that much. Another thing I learned is to be more laid back and not rely too much on text communication.  It just keeps you hanging and waiting and causes more expectations.

With all the wisdom I share, you would think I had got all right by now.  But I sure haven't, far from it.  The truth is that I still have not learned and there this will keeping happening until I learn and master this.  How many more dates will I meet that will turn into friends then acquaintances.  Apart from my close friends, I feel I am surrounded by past relationships.  But I have to look at the positive in that, how many can say that they managed to remain friends with their previous lovers?  I'll be forever grateful for the friendship that is offered me after things don't go well.  It means a lot to me.  But I do want love.  But I same to chase it away without knowing I am.  I'm worried I come across really intense.  It's for all good reasons and intentions, but other's may not view it like that.  I just need to learn from this and for sure this time.  It can't continue.  My greatest fear is loneliness and if I don't sort this, I'll be closer to that than I think.  As always I will try to do something about it and quick.  I promise to myself I will and to seek and ask for the he help I need.  If I can perfect other areas of my life, I can sure perfect myself more and it starts with asking, believing and receiving.  I'll ask for love and help, I'll believe that I have this and more and I will be grateful, willing and open to receiving it in the form it arrives to me, with no questioning and overthinking.  Or at least I'll try.  No, I WILL!