Creating and improving asynchronous learning opportunities

On 13 December 2021, I delivered a short in-person briefing-type session to my paramedic colleagues on how they can go about creating or improving asynchronous learning.  The purpose of the session was to start a conversation of asynchronous learning with the aim of encouraging further developments within this area of the department. 

The session included underpinning what and why, initial ideas, brief demos, discussion and signposting to resources.  It also provided me the opportunity to get acquainted with some colleagues I had not yet met in-person yet.  Enthusiasm was quite low given the time of year but resulted in developmental conversations, further ideas - including the potential application of other digital technologies, such as Vevox, and uptake of what I am there to offer and support with.  Not all slides were discussed in depth as the slide deck acted as a handout for colleagues to review in the New Year.  However, this will most likely be a priority topic for the Institute of Health and Allied Professions-specific digital development group I am forming.

Below is the presentation I created to structure and support the session  – which also acts as a starting point resource for ideas/or discussion.  I talk more about asynchronous learning and working in 'H5P endeavours - a progress update' and 'Blending introversion with asynchronous working'.

Roots and beyond

This blog post follows on from my thoughts I shared in the last section of 'Lessons and meaning', in my previous blog post ‘Love, lessons and meaning from Agatha’.

Realignment

Back in January 2021, I was inspired by an interview with Gwen Stefani where she said; “…going back to my roots, and basically discovering why I got into music in the first place - what defined me and what made me feel like I'm meant to do something in this world…”  Which got me pondering about my own learning technologist interest, origins/background (teacher education and learning support) and my then current full-time role as a Digital Practice Adviser – am I doing what I want to be doing and is it fulfilling my ambitions?  Although I operated as a learning technologist to some degree in that role, I wouldn’t say it was a 'true' learning technologist role – somewhat convoluted strategically and operationally.  I'm a learning technologist at heart and is what I am truly passionate about in my full-time profession, which I've been doing this past decade.  However, I was happily reminded of a few key attributes of being a learning technologist; "I see you as absorbing the theory, the art of the possible and the developments and advancement in learning technology.  Your challenge and opportunity, is turning that into clear recommendations and pragmatic steps because you are taking a group of people through change.  Which is never easy!!! (headbang)."  So I started to rediscover my roots as learning technologist; what the role means to me and why I enjoy it.  Including comparisons against the learning designer role, which I previously applied for positions internally and externally.  I don't believe these are the same role, there's a clear difference, but learning design is a knowledge and skillset in a learning technologist role, and vice versa.  Learning conversations have to be a part of the roles, given it's the first word in title, otherwise I'd be very concerned!  Multimedia design and production is not my main interest area, but I often direct others in developing such things, and produce pieces myself.  Although some learning designer roles are not as narrow as that but embrace true instructional design methodologies.  Though learning designers appear to be on a higher grade due to them being allegedly more focused on pedagogy, facilitation and multimedia build.  But in my experience a learning technologist can equally have focused pedagogy and facilitation-led duties.  I know I do in my role, explicitly in pre-technology application conversations and in design sprints.  However I do prefer a learning technologist role for the variety, freedom and development and management of learning technology.  As a learning designer is often restricted to the content production and project management lifecycle.

It took me a long while to realise I'm not in the role and environment I want to be in - it very much became a corporate learning and development type department - not what I literally signed up for.  Though I was initially excited about the opportunities in that area, it wasn't really 'me'.  Plus there was too much focus on the task, and not enough on the individual and team collaboration aspects for my liking.  As well as consistent individualistic silo thinking, creating and working, which is not ideal to me as I am a natural collaborator, and I believe it doesn't make a healthy workplace environment.  However, I courageously held my truth, embraced my vulnerabilities and adapted where I was able to - how true are you when you feel you have to adapt character for a workplace?  If anything that role and environment eventually told me what I truly wanted; the joy of what I do best, not what I 'think' I should be doing.  Whilst it has been a rollercoaster of a journey, I do feel I have developed, progressed and stretched within my abilities which is also a credit to the expert and diverse department.  However, I need to remember that much of this role was getting accustomed and comfortable working in a university environment – the enormous mountain that I alluded to in ‘The mountain and mountaineer’.  However, if I had started off in a department where I am now, it wouldn't have been a mountain, but a hill...  I recall a colleague once saying that Higher Education may not be the right environment for me, but the truth was this particular work environment was not for me.  I've realised through this experience that I need to be in a workplace I can grow and be supported to thrive in.

Over the Summer of 2021 I saw a brand new position, ‘Digital Curriculum Support and Developer’ - fixed-term contract, appear at the same university I was already working in.  Excited by it but also hesitant to apply, I pondered over the job role for some time and did a bit of research to make sure it was the right role and was a good move.  EDIT: I went to becoming a Digital Curriculum Manager - more in the blog post Learning technology manager - a celebration.  However, I found myself revisiting the advert periodically and later came to the conclusion that this role is me and what I want to be doing.  What interested me most about the individual role is that it is brand new, based in an academic school working closely with academics and in a vocational subject, healthcare.  Requiring specific subject specialisms in digital and blended learning, PebblePad and H5P - which I have been using, supporting and championing across the university in previous role.  It was heartening to see H5P listed on the job specification, especially after my hard influence on bringing it into the digital ecosystem.  All of which reinforced my decision to apply and go onto getting the job.  I think I was the only one they interviewed too.  I was back to my roots and core passion!  The role is a lead learning technologist and is situated in the Institute of Health and Allied Professions, within the School of Social Sciences, and I collaborate with academic colleagues to support, consult and innovate in the curriculum design and development of online and blended delivery undergraduate and postgraduate healthcare full-time and degree apprenticeship and professional courses.  A fuller description of my role and key activities is on my ‘Profile’ tab.  Day-to-day translation; much of this role is managing the PebblePad environment for the courses that sit in the institute, and ensuring high-quality digital, learning, teaching and assessment and facilitating innovation.

True to the words of Simon Sinek right now - “Our passions are ignited when we set out to advance a cause greater than ourselves.”

A subtle sign that previous colleagues have detached me from the previous department (and hint of a new working relationships), is that some now call me Daniel, rather than Dan - when they know that's my naming preference.  With renewed enthusiasm and vision along with a mandate to shape my role around the institute needs.  I am now able to thrive and flourish in this context and do the things I've not been able to do previously.  I look to my future position where I can continue to grow, progress and fulfil my best potential.  I also have a reinvigorated passion for improving my practice and knowledge – going deeper and being an even better learning technologist.  Upholding myself to the quality of my work whilst maintaining the enjoyment of it.  I'm aiming to do much more consolidation and application of prior learning, to put into deeper practice.  As I often find it's too easy to update and gain ideas, which can quickly amount to nothing or with little depth and impact.  I've much more learning and prototyping on virtual reality, H5P and PebblePad to do too.  As I go along in my new role I may blog about the professional and personal incremental changes I make throughout it.

NTU Nursing - “Welcome to the team! Looking forward to working with you on some exciting developments & creating that extra special touch for our courses”

Since starting in August 2021 I'm the busiest I've ever been, and I love it as I've got a greater sense of purpose and feel very much appreciated.  Which I was in desperate need of as the competitive, inhibiting and antagonising environment I was in became very wearing and having to chase/fight for project work, value/importance and impact - mostly due to not having a strong academic remit.  The times I were inhibited re-directed me to my next opportunities to develop.  For one to express their uppermost talents and abilities, you have to be in the right role.  This new job truly responded to what I was wanting; being in a proper learning technologist role, narrowing down to a specific context, working closely with vocational-based academic people, and a department that values positive working relationships.  As my role is specific to an institute, I am able to focus on specific work and projects to that area and the school it is based in.  Keeping things small and tight, as personally that's where I can make most impactful change and value.  Whereas in a central strategic team it’s too vast and widespread and too often the little but important and impactful bits get lost.  I'm also excited to be back working directly with students and their assessors/supervisors/mentors/practice educators, where I can truly improve and support the student experience.  As in my previous role I was far removed from student-facing, even though the work I was doing eventually positively impacts on them.  I can now directly see the results of what I am doing, e.g. involving them in research and how they shape my support offer.  As it's too easy to say what we do enhances the student experience - well I can actually walk the talk on what I do and has a direct positive impact on them.  EDIT: in January 2022 I received this heartening unexpected feedback from a student which pretty much proves this - I do try my best to provide our students with high-quality and timely support.

Learning Disabilities Nurse Apprentice - "I have to say you’ve got a glowing reputation amongst my nursing colleagues for your prompt attention to our issues and the positive way you resolve them.  We can’t believe somebody working with PP could be this happy!!"

I received some further pieces:

EDIT: September 2022, - a surprise email, more related to my previous role, from a Principal Lecturer, Nottingham Business School

"Dear Dan,

I hope you are well and managed to get some sort of break over the Summer.

I just wanted to drop you a line to say that – about three years late – I have watched the video performances that you and Charles did on The Idiots’ Guide To PebblePad.  They certainly benefited this idiot and I wished I had looked at them when you first did them.

It has made my job of setting up this year's PebblePads so much easier. Thanks, Ali" 

EDIT: December 2022, Adult Nursing Student - "Dan, to you also a big thank you for the patience shown."

EDIT:  February 2023, Adult Nursing Student - "Thanks for responding promptly on all occasions."

EDIT:  A reflection I had in September 2023.  Its been really good for me this dept.  Allowing me to make professional and personal impact - so much feedback received from staff and students.  As well as just being able to be myself. I feel more valued and appreciated.  As hard as the last workplace environment was, and not a great culture example to say it was in Organisational Development, it has helped me to realise what a workplace should be like.  A real confidence booster as I transition and further develop into a leader and manager.

Whilst no place is organised and managed to our own personal expectations, I feel its more doable to focus on my role and the difference I can make in that, with the possibility to scale up the influence beyond the role, department and into the wider organisation.  My overall goal in the role is not to make a seismic change, but making sure that everything is about enabling and improving the most effective digital and online learning, teaching and assessment offer, in the healthcare context.  However, I have wider ambitions to make a difference specifically at an institute, subject and course level.  But as for a university-wide difference, that is quite a reach and often a cliché statement to make.  I have no interest in being a global digital leader or innovator, that's a call for the hungry entrepreneurs.

Whilst I have been working with academics in my previous role, I have been somewhat distanced from the day-to-day academic environment, communication, collaboration and lifecycle.  Therefore I have much to get reacquainted with, so I recognise that I need to be patient with myself as I get settled into the role and context.

Healing

There’s always going to be some degree of unhappiness or negative experience in a job - that's just reality!  However, when leaving a job there is the opportunity to reflect on what went well, what didn’t go well and what might have been different if I had approached things differently - turning it into a healing process.  It can be too easy to fall into the victim role, but my feelings are valid here.  I've not only experienced new and wider pieces of work and projects than I have been involved in.  But understanding and working with stronger personalities and sometimes unnaturally confrontational egos.  Especially when it's someone's second time experiencing a different university, and they assume power over someone else's first time university experience, and they are more confident in navigating and communicating better than their first time.  Let's be realistic, not everyone wants you to do well - there can be some very deliberately dark-minded people, often deriving from their own insecurities of feeling threatened or jealous.  I understand that as humans we can be passionate about our roles, which can then evolve into unnecessary emotional responses.  I also understand that most of this comes from a place of insecurity and other personal issues that said individuals might have.  So as challenging (and uncomfortable) it is, they need to be approached with kindness, professionalism and personal responsibility, and constructive accountability where necessary, even if they don't reciprocate.  Even as just as I did when I experienced an aggressive outburst by my then line manager.

My interpersonal abilities have been challenged, mostly in negative situations which have been uncomfortable to do, but has sometimes resulted in positive outcomes and better working relationships.  That's the biggest takeaway from this role – not just dealing with varying levels of excessive (often unconstructive) critique, conflict, toxic workplace manipulation (negative controlling and influential behaviour and perhaps mind games veiled as strategy) EDIT:  June 2025, could be defined as 'Dark empath'.  But complex people and how to maintain my position whilst amplifying assertiveness.  Often I’ve had to be more forceful in situations than my nature usually allows.  Otherwise I increase the risk of not being seen and heard, people speaking for me, or talking over the top of me, rather than inviting or encouraging a response from me.  Or making decisions for me rather than with me, becoming an employee to other colleagues and being drowned out by the louder voices and dominant personalities.  Yes at times, inhibiting my growth when everyone needs the space and support to grow and develop.  But why should I change myself in that way to 'fit in'?  To which I ask ask; how present and effective was the inclusive leadership and management?  Of which I value greatly in any workplace.  Yes there is as an element of allowing these negative experiences happen to me; lack of assertiveness.  However, there's a balance to be found as it can end up in continuous conflict.  This could be reached by expressing our vulnerabilities, which I practice and have done in that role, when the opposition are master manipulators and manipulator others well, it makes it a very tough challenge.  The opposition need to take accountability for their behaviour and energy they bring.  Yes it happens everywhere, but a question is, should it and do we come to work for that?  No.  Imagine telling kids to learn early skills to tackle manipulators in their jobs.  Parents would be in uproar.  So no, I don't accept it and won't accept it.  On reflection it is also alarming how people/the workplace can make you re-evaluate your career.  I recall questioning my career pathway and seeking career as a result.  My only regret is not being more vocal in calling them out about these things in-person, but as a straight-talking person I couldn't find the tactful words to use.  Plus I had to watch my back due to those toxic workplace manipulators.  However, I think there was frustration in that I am harder to manipulate as I am very intuitive and see people and potential shortfall tactics.

I also realise that I may not the 'typical HE worker' coming from the background I have.  It’s not all been lows, lots of outweighing highs and personally touching acts of sincerity and kindness that I keep in my memory.  It's just a shame that egos often consume our true nature.  I've also had the pleasure of contributing new knowledge and practices and influencing new tools, organisational processes and individual and team working behaviours.  Even enabled self-reflection in others; "I've learned a lot about myself through you".  Though when asked how my new job is going and saying it "...was always a much better match for your skills." - which has some accuracy from what I experienced, though it is a lazy attempt to deflect responsibility for unsupportive line management and practicing toxic workplace manipulation.

As a side effect to some of the above, I'm aware that in some of my previous blog posts negativity has bled into them, such as 'Pragmatism, criticality and d**ks', 'Blending introversion with asynchronous working', 'Talking about vulnerabilities', 'Dared to lead' (the 'A maungy little incoherent rant/observation' bit, 'Imposter - phantom in self or environment?', What HE can learn from me and FE and 'DarkLight Phoenix - rising to the surface'.  This is not my usual style but I do feel better acknowledging and releasing these negative emotions (as I do when listening to certain songs that match my mood), and leaning into my vulnerabilities.  Which I continue to render positively as there's always something to be learned from such experiences.  Therefore, I stand strong and remain unapologetic and vocal about these type of experiences.  I've previously and successfully challenged workplace bullies and am not shy in flexing those muscles.  Plus if the 'doing' of these negative behaviours and practices are accepted in the workplace, I am therefore accepted and free to discuss my experiences as a result of them - fair but an unfortunate consequence for such poor unprofessionalism.  Reality is that we can forgive, but not forget bad experiences.  If others didn't feel the same vibe as I did in that environment (which there was), it can be viewed as negatively calculated and personal behaviour towards specific people, that or labelled as overly 'sensitive'.  I can already predict some responses as a result of this, 'I/we are saddened to know that's how you felt' or 'I/we didn't realise you felt like this'.  Hard to accept though when individuals were kept informed and the department is made up self-proclaimed, qualified and industry-experienced leaders and managers.  In general, I do think there's too many leaders in this world, which I feel is part of why we are in this mess, or not quicker to respond to the messes due to conflicting directions and ideas.  Anyway, that aside, as uncomfortable as these revelations and realisations are, there is learning and healing to be found within those experiences, and am sure there is reflection in there for any readers of them.  I feel this blog post will be the last of such negative workplace topics - it's all wasted energy really, but does provide a potent base for inner healing and learning.  Despite some of the moments of intenseness and dread, I’m blessed to view these situations in such a positive light and can use those experiences to help handle similar situations and to become stronger and more resilient.

Despite the environment lacking empowering and nurturing attitudes and the aptitude to utilise my recognised strengths.  I do feel that I have been somewhat spiritually realigned to focus my attention back on my solid learning technologist roots, which allows me to better fulfil my potential in the right environment.  Along with like-minded, supportive, easy-to-work with and co-collaborative personalities that I tend to flourish with.  I can safely say that I am now in a more nurturing and less competitive space and where my strengths are best utilised, complemented by my new mindset.  I've put control of my own destiny back into my own hands, with my immediate priority to rebuild my self-belief, confidence and conviction.  Which I am already seeing make a return, now that the harness has been cut off.  What I am observing in myself is that I am demonstrating, expressing, articulating and feeling so much better.  Which is something I was trying to achieve in my last role, and for myself.  But I was less able to do - but is now much easier without the constraining atmosphere.  Interestingly, my unwelcome 'imposter visitor' has not made intense returns since being in this new position...  Perhaps that's due to how I feel more valued (knowledge and performance), listened to and purposeful?

Fulfilled goals

Following my deep enquiry in my previous blog post ‘Love, lessons and meaning from Agatha’, and what I had said somewhere in this blog site about letting dreams die in order for new ones to be created.  I'm not shutting down my enthusiasm, passion and fight for my career learning technology - I stay committed and embrace the feeling of Lady Gaga’s lyrics “This is my dancefloor I fought for”.  However, I have consciously chosen to step back 1) in order to allow space for me to develop other aspects of my life and to flourish in 2) I have achieved my professional goals and now feel a sense of fulfilment and peace.  Though I’ve always been somewhat of a chameleon blending into the background and becoming present when needed - so this is perhaps one of those periods.  Professionally, I have achieved everything I set out to do and I feel that my career journey was meant and I was destined to see it through.  However I don't feel I traded other aspects of my life for my career, I tried to balance both simultaneously - was it effective?  I'm not sure but hence why I am talking about the shift and balance now.

If the quote below is true, I agree wholeheartedly and I feel this is what I have done with my career; how I kept motivated to push myself and felt I was in hurry to be somewhere.  Minus the hate for training and champion bits though.

Muhammad Ali - “I hated every minute of training, but I said, ‘Don’t quit.  Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.”.

I also feel that I no longer have something to prove, which has been a bit of a driving force in my career due to my undereducated start.  I've definitely gone through the jungle and come out the other side a better person for it - no regrets there.  My overall goal wasn't to become ‘big’ but to make something of myself and be recognised somewhat - strong Barnsley upbringing roots?  Now I've done that and got a great job and education I can tick off that part of my life.  My career development has taken up most of my life, how much further do I want to invest in it and let it consume me?  I don't want to be just known for my career, but for my spiritual identity and contributions on this earth plane.

   

I can confidently say that my formal education has come to an end - the Chartered Management Institute (CMI) Level 5 Diploma in Management and Leadership was my last qualification.  However, I did say in my blog post ‘30’ that my professional goals were achieved after my Technology Enhanced Learning MSc, but I later felt I had to do the CMI as a final qualification.  I will obviously maintain my Continuing Professional Development and update and challenge my knowledge, skills and thinking.  I will also consider allocating some time to reflect on my broader full-time role more deeply and the contribution I am making to society, both internal and external to my organisation.  But generally, I'm no longer going to pressure and immerse myself in becoming more intellectual.  Maintaining knowledge and practice is enough and I don't believe in becoming intellectual to just become superior to my peers – though I agree knowledge can be helpful in a game, should you want to play it...  And there's always a chance of losing.  What is most important to me now professionally is developing my self-knowledge and spiritual work, as well as continuing some external projects/activities.  The Doctor Strange (2016) quote still resonates strong with me this year; "Your intellect has taken you far in life, but it will take you no further.  Surrender,... Silence your ego and your power will rise.".

However, that said it’s also a good time to revisit other areas of my profession to focus on and specialise in.  I recall reading an article where Russel T Davies commented on his earlier career that he enjoyed creating dialogue over illustration of comics - all within the same role sphere. This got me thinking of what do I enjoy most out of what I do in the broadness of my role?  For example, generating and prototyping ideas for online learning activities and assessments.  On a similar note, as much of my previous learning technologist roles have been everything and anything to everyone, I now want to narrow down and specialise a bit.  However, I find it hard to narrow down to specifics because I've spread myself across many areas such as learning technology, learning design, digital capabilities, awarding bodies, management etc - a lot of areas interest me!  However, my new role is enabling me to narrow down whilst applying my expertise across these areas.  This was a recent topic discussion in Early-career learning technologists LinkedIn group.  Which Matt Cornock grounded me by saying “…easy to become only a generalist and forget about the depth of knowledge you can develop when you spend time researching or developing one or two areas of work."  A reminiscent discussion I had with myself in the 'Refining my interests' section of the 'DarkLight Phoenix - rising to the surface' blog post.  EDIT: (March 2022) Conversely, Tom Goodwin said:  The world needs Generalists but doesn’t really value them.  People who can bring expertise together, people who understand intersections and adjacencies, people who can cross cultures and vantage points.  We continue to live in an age which idolizes depth, not width.  It would be great if this could change.  We need both.  I find warmth in this as I often find I have to be a 'generalist specialist'.  Being a learning technologist is my career and I am deeply committed to that profession.  But another passion is growing ever strongly in this new chapter of my life, which has been there in the background for over a decade.  Which goes above and beyond of just serving an organisation, and the industrious working and capitalistic ‘more is better’ way of life.  My full-time work is not just my life and my life is not just about my full-time work...  I have more meanings in life than just my career.  My family, friends, travel and personal spirituality and wellbeing are a bigger focus than they have ever been.

Wilson Waffling:

"Are we really all doing this?

‘The main interest in life and work is to become someone else that you were not in the beginning’ (‘Truth, Power, Self’, 9).

Gutting, Gary. Foucault: A Very Short Introduction (Very Short Introductions) (p. 6). OUP Oxford. Kindle Edition."

Me - "🤔 Hmm. How authentic are we really? And who and what do we truly serve?"

Celebrating and creating

For me 2022 is largely about celebration, creativity, consolidation and deep enquiry.  First of all emphasis on celebration on how far I have come in my professional journey and fulfilling my goals and the achievements I obtained along the way.  I deserve a well-earned break, but as I said earlier, that doesn't mean that the quality of my work will reduce.  Just more mental capacity and space to focus on being better at what I do.  On a personal celebration, I am due to get married 4th October 2022 to the love of my life.  Lots of quality time to be spent on planning the big day!  As I alluded to above, 2022 onwards I will be focusing on more spiritual, connectedness and creative aspects of my life, and I can't wait!  It's time to go easy on myself and nurture my being and my close relationships.  I've worked extremely hard and stretched myself in many ways, now I get to marvel in the fruits of my labours and invest my time and energy into my new chapter of personal human evolution.  22 is sure to be a unique year for me too, so am sure something besides the obvious plans will unfold or reveal itself.  I'm even going to explore some creative things like dabble with wreath making, I just missed out on it this Autumn and Winter.  I'm excited to see what other creative aspects emerge too!  But ultimately, a formal end to being work-centric and deeper into my spirituality work.

Although I need an identity for my career I’m increasingly less focused about it and my associated roles.  But increasingly interested about my spiritual purpose and 'medicine' I can offer.  Starting off the New Year like I did last January, I will be knee-deep in Movement Medicine – all things embodied learning and living and I’m excited to get more involved and deeper into it all.  After months of being immersed in it, I'm already feeling and seeing the benefits of this work; heightened awareness, presence and aliveness in my heart, mind and body, creativity and critical reflection and deeper empathy.  I'm also finding I'm getting better at articulating and describing my feelings and thoughts.  In January I will be undertaking deeper learning with a shamanic Encounter course.  What's different this time though is that it is not work-related and I don't have to work towards becoming or achieving something like a qualification.  But enjoying the natural curiosity and learning happen without preconceived outcomes.  If I do become something of this, then I'm sure that will be revealed as I go along - part of the mystery!  I may even get back into leisurely focussing on doing crystal healing and animal spirit card reading.  I feel I can now give my undivided time, attention and mental capacity to focus on them.  Journeying more into my inner universe and learning things beyond this physical world.  In an effort to create a deeper connection with my life and the natural world and better resource myself, and that I can use to support my loved ones.  This Winter I am going to literally let the old goals and self-judgements die and allow Spring to let my spirit flourish.  I feel I've so much spiritual and emotional potential to develop, especially as I'm always in tune with my thoughts and feelings.  Plus, I'm heartened what my mum said quite recently; "...you give your time to people..."  I do agree, whether, friends, family and colleagues.  I am always there to listen, make sense of problems/situations and advise if asked.  But I 'll add that I make time for people too.

I think I can describe this blog post as the starting of a kind of spiritual ‘individual ego death’; letting go of the self to momentary die whilst still alive.  A kind of cathartic process that can bring about transformation and a sense of balance and recalibration into my life, informing what happens in my future.  I also find my priorities and interests are changing.  Like less consumerism and more about people and quality of time I have with them, the spiritual side and gratitude.  I've everything to look forward to and it's all part of a greater mystical journey leading or redirecting me to further hidden passions.  However, I’ll keep on willing to learn and be teachable.  My journey and growth continues...

Love, lessons and meaning from Agatha

Sadly on 23 September 2021 we lost suddenly lost our little girl, Agatha.  Our first cat in our little family.

By way of processing my grief, celebrating and honouring her short life and to 'memorialise' her existence, I've took to writing about who she was, some memories of the joy she brought me and life messages she left me with.  A little memoir.

It was Agatha all along...

We had talked about having a cat for some time - a new venture as we've both not kept one before.  To my reluctance, I wanted to wait until the Summer until I had cleared some work projects off.  But allowed Gary to search for a suitable kitty to adopt, which proved a challenge when competing with others to take one in!  Like buying houses we enquired about various cats which had already been rehomed.  We left our details with various places to let us know when new cats arrive.  We needn't not wait that long...  Cats Protection Mansfield let us know that they had a 6 month old kitty Poppy, due to their last owner becoming more disabled to care for her properly.  We were sent pictures and videos of this sweet grey little fluffy girl.  And I regrettably said at that time "oh, she's a long haired variety - hair will be everywhere!"  But the more I saw pictures and videos the more I warmed to her.  Whilst 'formal viewing' was restricted due to the pandemic, we said yes and she arrived at our home on 9 March 2021.  More curious than nervous she explored the house letting out little meows.  She was very independent and knew what she wanted and knew how to go about getting things or getting there.  Naturally an outdoors explorer too.  I think she knew she had found her forever home with her new daddies and much bonding ensued!  I've not had pets for well over a decade but to my surprise I got straight back to my animalistic nurturing, with alter-ego animal voices and being very gooey with her.  I just love being cutesy with animals and when they show it in return.  Though my previous pets i.e. hamsters, guinea pigs etc never did, I still was cutesy.  She brought out this side in me that I didn't think was there anymore.  I really did treat her as if she was a human child walking around - which I once used to frown upon as I do think you need to try and keep animals wild.  But when you have domestic pets it's much harder!  She was like the kid I never had and brought out an interesting parental side to me.

We had talked about renaming her something different. Gary and I just watched Marvel's WandaVision at the time, I suggested the idea to rename her Agatha.  Given her grey and purplish colour, green eyes and her regal disposition, it was very fitting!  Thank you so much Gary for finding her and bringing me this small warm and furry bundle of newfound happiness.  When we got her it reinvigorated our lives and senses, to deeply care for her.  We simply fell in love with her.  The house that once belonged to the two of us had changed dynamic and we felt like a little family.

I think my animalistic nature helped me form a quick bond with her too, especially as I am working from home mostly now.  I immediately played the protective daddy role, especially when she was outside and saved her from a few local cat confrontations and fights.  She had such a great character and an odd dash of humanistic presence, especially when we used to play hide and seek in the house and when she used to greet me when walking into a room.  We may not have understood each other verbally but we did via each other's body language. 

I was tested on our bond when Gary and I planned our Summer Scotland trip back in June - we were away for 6 days and it was the first time we had been away from her for more than one day.  Although Gary's mum and step dad cared for her well, I was super anxious the whole time and really missed her.  Especially on how we left her as she doesn't like being in the car.  But we were glad she got all the love and care she needed from her family, helped out with the Aga care guide I had written prior, a 'day in the life of Aga', describing her daily pattern, character and feeding habits etc.  A treasured memory this has now become.

She enjoyed lots of exploring and loving memories over the Summer, including late night stop outs which at times we got worried about - thinking that she wasn't going to come back.  But she always did, even if it was pitch black.  Which led up to celebrating her first birthday on 25th August.

Tragedy

Gary and I had a wonderful short break in Harrogate, highlights including exploring Brimham rocks, walking around the RHS Garden Harlow Carr and an evening at a Turkish bath. Within a couple of hours of us returning and being greeted by our darling, we were struck with heart-breaking tragedy when our baby girl was killed by a car outside our house.

Our friend Martin had been coming to see and feed her while we were away that one night.  She greeted us cautiously as to say why did you leave me?  We fed her, she went out for a stroll in garden, watched Gary do some titivating with his newly bought plants and pots - which she loved watching.  Then me and Aga had a rare-ish long snug where she let me cradle her for a few good minutes rather than seconds, leaning back into me.  I'm just glad she got to do some of her favourite things before what happened.  I went upstairs in back bedroom on computer and saw her sniffing around our planter/seating area - which turned out to be last time I saw her alive.  I heard Gary take an upsetting call in the kitchen, immediately going to that dark place where you think it is a family member that has been hurt or in an accident.  The gut wrenching words came out of his mouth and said it's Vets4Pet's around corner, they've got Aga and she's passed away (tearing as I type this).  I felt winded and was shouting no, no, no.  I flew downstairs and went into the garden and was shouting for her, waiting for her to come back.  Like I did most evening when calling her in for food.  But I guess I knew the reality and I just didn't want to accept it.  I couldn't make the connection to why Vets4Pets had her as literally a couple of minutes went buy since I saw her exploring outside.  I didn't hear no screech or bump, all the windows were open in the house, as it was oddly hot for late September.  A lady had hit her and had the courage to pick her up and take her to the vets - she was microchipped and that's how we were contacted.  Aga usually seemed sensible on paths and roads, I think she was just unlucky or something had startled her.  I was also trying to understand how she was killed on the road and which one.  I was thinking it was the big main one leading to our street, which I didn't think she went that far.  Later turned out it was literally outside our house and could see the blood markings, which Gary later cleaned.  We walked to Vets4Pets to go and collect her, I probably shouldn't have seen her in the condition she was in, but I guess I wanted to see it was her and have closure.  That image still haunts me today.  I hugged her and told her I will always love her and I'll miss her forever.  I think I'll always be traumatised by the event and emotions of that day.  I still crumble at the thought of it.  I wrote the following on social media:

"Yesterday we suddenly lost a huge part of our little family, our baby kittie girl.  Today we buried her in one of her favourite places, her garden.  We only had her for a short while but she enriched our life as much as we did hers.  We loved her so much because we love each other and wanted to nurture her and see her grow.  That wasn't meant to be but she will teach us to keep putting that love out there in different ways.  We love you and already miss you so much Agatha, our little squeaklet. 🐱"

When we buried her I placed our two flowered agapanthus on top of her cardboard box - seemed apt with the name.  This is a period in my life I don't want to revisit.  I just feel so sad and empty. The first night was terrible - just laying in bed with nothing else to do but think about what's happened and how scared she might have been, (which she wasn't as she passed instantly)  Weirdly, past midnight I saw two cats in the window across road looking at where the accident happened - was quite a morbid image to see but warming if the cats were genuinely watching that area because of what happened.  She was a big part our life, left us with beautiful memories and brought us closer together.  She really was our little girl.  We did so much together.  Whilst I'll love another cat it'll not be like the love I had for her.  Different love like most things.  She'll forever be in our hearts and irreplaceable. She had all the features of a perfect kitty for us.  She was a symbolism of love - maybe this is why Egyptians idolised them?  She was one of a kind, I miss her so much, I'm sure she knew she was more than just a pet to me.  At times I felt like I needed her more than she needed me.  Talking silly to her and whispering in her ear and doing cutesy things - diverting the silliness from Gary to Aga.  I realise she's a pet but I talked to her like a child and she responded well to it.  I would still grieve if I treated her just as a pet, as I did with my other pets when I was younger.  It sounds cliché, but you don't know what's around the  corner and can happen at any time - we really don't chose our time.  It's somewhat instilled a bit of fear in me actually.  But increased curiosity in how our souls occupy bodies and how they become lifeless after we have leave them.  To me, whether a cat or human, grief shows your love, and we will feel the loss of it.  Some folks don't see connection to pets and animals; humans and them.  When in fact we're sentient animals too that share this world together.  I guess it depends on your relationship with animals though and if you classify humans to be separate to rest of the natural world; humans are at the top of the hierarchy.

Shortly after she died Aga came into my dream.  From what I remember it started off with the usual strange stuff then transitioned into a story where we had to put her to sleep.  We were in a dark house.  We let her play and and do stuff then had a really nice cuddle, which I could feel and felt warm.  But we decided to give her this 'medicine' as she went to go to sleep.  It didn't feel like a goodbye type of scene though.  I like to think of that as a way of receiving a nicer ending with her.

Around the grief, I panicked a little that I had been conceiving and putting myself in these death-type scenarios to feel what it'd be like.  As per 'law of attraction' I thought I might have believed it so much that I conceived it.  But I did this with people not just with her.  It sounds bad and I certainly didn't want it.  However, I was reassured by Gary's mum that it might be my way of trying control those hypothetical situations which we know we can't.

Grief is a new feeling for me and is like a dark strange void feeling.  Despair and sorrow comes in waves.  Its also a bit like a 'just had a break up' kind of feeling.  Not wanting to think too much about it as I missed and wanted her more and needed to train my mind to get over it.  Wherever you look in the house or garden there's a memory of where she's been.  It took a while for me to adjust, later to be told by Gary's cousin that I may be experiencing possible disenfranchised grief - but not as prolonged.  EDIT: this article published on 7 December 2022 reinforces this; 'The Death Of A Pet Should Be Taken More Seriously By Counselors - Disregarding the severity of pet bereavement can represent a barrier in the healing process.'.  Those that have pets with characters, I feel their pain.  It may sound harsh to say, but I've experienced family deaths before and recently but have not been extremely and emotionally affected like this.  Perhaps because she was essentially a family member, not a pet. Loved by our friends and wider family.  Aga had a young and short life, but had a long lasting impact on us.  I pictured her with us until she got old.  She had so much more in life to give and memories to delight us with.

EDIT:  January 2026: '‘I’d give anything just to see her again’: owners’ grief for their beloved pets'.

Throughout our pain, Gary lovingly reminded me by saying that whilst proposed to me (Scotland, June 2021) for me, with the aim of making a small family.  His love for me still remains and wants to marry me for me.  We've still got each other, love each other and we loved her deeply because of our loving relationship and shared that with her.

Looking back, it feels like it wasn't real, just a dream.  So I need to keep her memories alive as much as I can - once I am ready to revisit them.  I hope she gives me some signs that she is still around.  I'll always talk to her, just as I did to her all the time.  Our garden is now her garden and she'll always be in it.  As she always was, in the plants and bushes where she used to play hide and seek.  This is where we laid her to rest.

A week later I noticed I felt more settled and on the way back to my usual self.  I wouldn't say I've got over it quick, but accepted it with little anger.  I did quickly get out of the routine I had with her though.  We'll keep her memory alive wherever we can by celebrating the joy she brought us - we were privileged!  Gary produced a hardback memory book with selected pictures of Aga and a little description on some of the pages - it really is like a story book of Aga, which you can easily pick up and be reminded of her.

Her death also brought new and so much more meaning to some of my most favourited songs too, such as P!nk's song Who Knew.

We love you Agatha, and will always remember you.  Until I see you again my friend.  Here's a drawing that Gary's brother Darren drew for us both:

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A post shared by Darren Purdy (@darren_art)

Lessons and meaning

We often look for meaning when death happens, but perhaps I’m attaching reason to a traumatic event.  But I feel I have to try and celebrate the positive impact she brought us and I choose this.  As challenging as it may be, after you've allowed grief in and the pain settles, a wealth of goodness can be found within it.  Like how life teaches us lessons, and often multiple times in my case!  The following are some areas that I pondered over since her departing, which provided both a lesson and deep meaning.  The whole event triggered a personal mindset change.

• Mine and Gary's relationship - the loving environment we created for her, we must carry on nurturing and respecting each other like we did with her.  If anything she has imprinted on us to care for each other strongly.  Just as we did her.
• I was heartened by how close me and Gary pulled together during the trauma.   It proved the love and strength we have between us
• I unashamedly expressed my tears and upset openly – I had not cried like this for years and the flood gates were truly open
• Shook something spiritually within me and changed my relationship with life positively and brought attention to other realities and the people around me
• It pressed a pause button on my life and allowed me to drop the things that's simply don't matter in the grand scheme of life.  I feel positively adjusted amidst the draining grief

In terms of what matters, this event also marked the start of a new era/step change in my life, which I have longed talked about.  I cover this in more detail in my upcoming blog post.  Personally for me, this is another way to celebrate someone's life and acquire wisdom through this experience.   If it's to be believed that the domestic cat animal spirit/totem card is about breaking free from dependencies or addictions, to which I lovingly did obsess over Aga.  Like the addictions, my full-time work has been an ongoing one and part of a goal that was fulfilled long ago.  But opportunities kept coming up that I felt I couldn't say no to.  I somewhat neglected to focus on my relationship with Gary and our own individual respect and communication.  Her death has awakened and empowered me to evaluate my full-time work endeavours and side projects and life in general.  Allowing me the time I need to focus back on more spiritual aspects of my life, which I have been wanting to do for some time but 'kept being too busy' to.  You never know, I may be blessed with the opportunity to communicate and work through Aga?  I was thinking about the work stuff well before this event but following her passing, it makes it even more empowering to take action.  So as unfortunate and devastating her death has had on me, this perspective has gave me and her life further meaning, which I think is a beautiful and positive way to view it.  Otherwise I would have carried on veering down pathways that were not meant for me to be on - an absolute point in life?  There's a lot of power in saying no and focusing on what really matters - leading to why I have been drawn to the Doctor Strange (2016) quote recently; "Your intellect has taken you far in life, but it will take you no further.  Surrender,...Silence your ego and your power will rise."  Aga was meant, both for a new love and guiding my life back on track.  I'm not ruling out all work pursuits mind, but for foreseeable future the focus is on more innate things and following the call to the next chapter of my life/purpose.

In early October, long story short, I had an experience voucher from last Christmas to use, but had a terrible experience in trying to find and use them on local places.  Despite (obviously) searching in Nottingham I found an afternoon tea for two at Kitty Café - which I am pretty sure wasn't available for vouchers before.  But I'll take that as a subtle nod from Aga to get our cat fix.  Which I think inspired Gary when he got too cuddle a cute kitten, Truffles.

Later in October, we welcomed our new ginger kitten, Theo into our family.  By no means is this a replacement of an individual, but a replacement of presence.  This was a great distraction and helped us both heal.  He's very different to Aga and is a complete love sponge.  Although very naughty too!  Aga is his big sister and will always be looking over him.

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A post shared by Gary Purdy (@gary_purdy)

EDIT: September 2022:

A year since you left us Aga. 🐱 Always in our hearts.  You were a great friend to us. 🥰 Glad to see you come through.

July 2023.  Veterinary doctor via Facebook:

"You came naked

You will leave naked

You came without anything

You will leave without anything

You arrived weak

You will leave weak

So, why so much hatred, resentment, envy, selfishness and pride?

We will all go empty handed, what all material things we have earned, we earned here, and will leave everything here only.

The only thing that will go with you, that you actually earned here is the love ❤️ you shared, the compassion you showed, the humbleness, your gratitude, your helpfulness, your kindness.

That is the legacy you will leave here that everyone will follow"