Sunday, 3 January 2016

Everything in moderation

While you may have been busy making new years resolutions, I was reflecting on my personal development.

I've asked myself this a million times, but I haven't grasped the concept as much as I have now. Can you give too much of yourself?  I've come to realise it over the last few months that you really can. I have been aware that I have been overexposing my soul and resources, all in good ways, but it can leave you feeling bewildered as a result.  I started to acknowledge this in a recent reflection.

In Summer 2015 I felt I was floating up like a hot air balloon.  Not even gravity could hold me down, I had to ground myself.  I've finally realised that I have been trying too hard with me, others and work - all with heartfelt intentions however.  My entire aim is to better myself not be better than anyone else.  You know, just to be a better human being by giving and receiving more.  But being too trying with yourself, others and work could come with a loss, a loss of self-worth and truth.

Looking back, I have pushed myself too hard to being a great person that I nearly forgot who matters.  Which is me.  There were times that I felt a bit lost within myself, perhaps because I was giving far too much of me away and I started to feel a bit fragmented from within.  To the point that I felt I was being fake to myself and everything.  Which was a massive irritation because I like to be creative, authentic and unique like all of us.  If  you give too much away you can potentially disappear.  Literally!  I should have been saving a bit for me and respecting myself far more than I was.  But you could say the issue is who and what you are giving out to that depletes you.  The more you keep giving the more you build up expectations around you.  Which can then be hard to maintain, again this being yourself, others and work.  The more it is seen from you the more expectations build to continue those behaviours, which leads onto being taken for granted.  Over the Summer I said that;  enthusiasm is not a quantity, it is a quality. A rare and powerful gift that should be respected graciously. You cannot buy or sell it.

Throughout these feelings and emotions I appeared to play a victim of myself, but didn't know how to become victorious in my endeavours.  It was like give an inch and take a mile scenario, the more I saw opportunities the more I was giving out.  Perhaps where it wasn't really needed, but I liked to do it as a way of gratitude. This also applies online as we know as social media.  I don't feel I need to share every detail of what I am doing.  That is what face-to-face catch ups with loved ones are for. Because social media is as real as reality TV.  How much of it is genuine in-the-moment memories without priding on status and presentation?

Giving is where it all is and I won't stop doing it as I am giving, but I need to practice this in better moderation.  This is important as I need to moderate myself but then it's equally as important for everything else to receive this in moderation as to not build up expectations.  I should have take my own advice; don't be too hard on yourself. Life can't always be a certain way. Living life is better and easier when you're not trying to control it.  Control and its effects is another element I had reflected upon in a previous post over the Summer.

So my learning right now is to give and live in moderation.  Continue to keep giving and receiving, but when it's appropriate and feels necessary.  Don't feel the urge to keep going out of your way, just do it when it's right; know the timing and when to act.
 
Anyway, this is all merely complaining.  Looking back is good to acknowledge but the main thing is to just draw a line and move forward.  You can't change the past but you can certainly change the future.  It's too easy to complain about why is this happening and why did that happen and how etc. I no longer seem to worry about these things. Instead I fill my mind up with the gratefulness of what I have and around me and all of the wonderful things that are happening. And the people, places and objects that give me energy and focus I return back to them.  There's just so much good!

I'm back at work tomorrow after a great long break of rest, mind-clearing and peace.  So I'm ready to go!  There's lots of great things happening with my work and I'm about to start the final piece of my masters, the dissertation!  Then I can truly focus on other areas of my life rather than my career.  I'm just about done with another module then I'm going to have a short break at a spa with Gary and then take a couple weeks off then I will be ready to take on this dissertation at the end of January.  It's a time for prosperity (I've been told) and I can feel it around me, it's exciting and feels warm; happiness and love.  And all of this is amplified with the care and admiration from my boyfriend Gary.

Have an awesome 2016 everyone! Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who's a part of my life. Sending you love, healing and peace.